I said love, not sex... i've done the
Let's talk about sex journal already...
And yes, I've talked about love
many,
many,
many times before, but it's a good topic. And it's a fitting topic recently but more so today than usual.
So you probably remember my whole "losing hope in love" blog from the other day. *sigh* I met with my domestic violence client yesterday and she explained to me what was going on. She also informed me that she learned that in therapy 90% of domestic violence victims fall back into the cycle of violence and go from one abusive relationship to another. Which of course means 10% do not... So far, I think I fall into the 10%....
I say "I think" because I know myself... lately other people on dA have taken to telling me who I am, and thank them for their concern in needing to let me know that I'm a cold, heartless, picky, pompous, rude, arrogant bitch... but I don't really need for them to tell me who I am... I'm actually a lot better at figuring that out then them.. which is to be expected of course, they've "known" me for all of two months and I've known me for nearly 30 years... yeah... I think I've got a bit of an edge over them... I mean I've known myself at least ten years longer than they've been alive.
but I digress
The topic today is LOVE!!!
Love love love love love love! XD
I had a pretty awful morning today. Like... I don't remember crying this much since the day I was assaulted. Which of course is really no comparison, I mean insults definitely hurt and I've spend the last two days crying my eyes out to the point where I've actually woken up with swollen eyes... but compared to what happened to me 7 years ago and the 24-hours straight that I cried and then 3 years that I was unable to cry or feel anything... yeah insulting words are really nothing. But... they do hurt. And I was ready to do something quite drastic because well the pain was still fresh and I foresee trouble happening if I "fight" back, which I don't want to and I didn't see the point of creating over... words.. I mean, obvious I know there are worse things than words.
But then my lovely friends spoke up... and they insisted and they were mad for me, and a little at me even (not the hurtful at-me mad, but productive 'don't be an idiot you're better than this" motivating kind of mad).... I love them! And honestly if the positions were reversed and they were being bullied I wouldn't have even asked for permission I would have thrown down the hammer instantly! (I'm actually really glad they asked me though because I do have fears about the repercussions but I've decided to make my peace with it... whatever happens happens, those who are true friends will stuck through it to the end... but also, I'm glad they asked because I think I really needed to know that I was loved this much).
And thus that brings us back to the topic of love.
I've actually been thinking about it a lot late... for a long time really. Recently I mentioned that that one exfriend... M... if anyone remembers my mentioning him.. he's talking, flirting, girlfriend, cheater, manipulative, yeah that guy... anyway he recently started emailing me to try and get together again... does anyone know how to block emails? I mean I can block messenger but I have no idea how to do the email thing... anyway that's not the point... I'm not replying but I'm too curious for my own good and .. well let's just say I'm not too upset with the decision to cut him out of my life.. especially after getting a message from him the other day where he said something about "getting all dolled up" and spending the night "acting like a lady" and then adding a "haha" at the end... I don't know what... no you know what I do know what he was implying though he's no reason to ever even …no
I'm stopping before I make myself angry again.
Anyway my point is that the end of him in my life came when he called me "love starved"
I've been thinking about that term a lot. I don't like it, but talking about it, thinking about it, just musing on it... I think there's something to it... not necessarily that I am love starved … although if I'm completely honest with myself... I probably am... and not just because I'm needy... although that's definitely a problem... not the needy party, no one in my past would ever call me needy... because I'm very good at hiding it... so good in fact I never was able to get what I needed.
But I digress (again)... love starved... I definitely can see a point to the accusation... but I do know that I'm definitely not attention starved... in fact I quite hate attention... I don't like being looked at... ask anyone I know... I HATE being watched and looked at... it drives me crazy! Makes me all kinds of awkward... actually I'm surprised I survived China... they look at you ALL THE TIME!!! and point! And whisper! And take pictures... okay, admittedly I hate pictures... I was thinking about that the other day, I haven't had a picture taken of me in like... 15 years... oh wait that's not true my job in Old town some years back I got my picture taken about 20-50 times a day by random strangers (so I don't have the pictures)... just a touristy thing... I once had a guy sitting outside the shop drawing me... I wish I could have seen it... My period costume was very pretty though, I loved it, shame I couldn't keep it. And random people would always tell me I fit in very well with the oldtimey ambiance. Though I needed longer hair to make me some fancy braids...
aaaahhhh I keep going off topic! Sorry sorry!
ANYWAY....
okay so .. LOVE STARVED
I was thinking the other day... I sometimes feel like I'm giving and giving and giving... I am very giving with my love. I love everyone. For me, love is infinite and unconditional. Love is pure and undemanding. It doesn't run out so why bother holding it back?
I've always held that
love is life, basically that it is what makes up reality... everything in life is love. That's what I've always felt. But what if it's more like air? What if love is something you take in and expel, and we all basically have an inner "love lung" that has a full and empty to it?
Let's say we breathe out our love and then breathe in new love from what others give us... so what happens if we're giving OUT more love than we're taking IN? I assume we'd be deprived... starving... same for how we can eat less calories than what we take in... our body enters into starvation mode if we go too low. What if love works the same?
Okay now that I got to the question I realize I have no idea where I was going with this...i guess the thought isn't too well thought out yet... I'll add another blog on another day. For now, tell me what you guys think about the concept... do you think there's such a thing as being love starved?
